Neighbors from Hell
by MisplacedSanity
Summary: It all started with college. Somewhere along the lines of growing up me and my twin brother got it into our heads that we should enroll and attempt to be serious with our lives. Serious. Not. AU Zombie Apocolypse fic
1. Chapter 1

_I should so be working on other things right now but this idea just wouldn't leave me alone. Besides I need some kind of a pick me up and this just answered my prayers. _

_I suggest that no one take this seriously. Like at all. This is simply experimental for the moment as well as a comedy parody sort of deal._

_I don't own Bleach, McDonald's, Honda or Sublime._

_ Enjoy._

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><p><strong>Title:<strong> Neighbors from Hell

**Characters:** Ichigo, Hollow Ichigo, various others.

**Genre:** Comedy/Family

**Pairings:** None

**Rating:** T

**Summary: **After dropping out of community college Ichigo and his twin brother, Shiro, have nothing better but to go up from the downer that is called 'life'. Getting a job, buying a place. Cliche, normal stuff like that. Define normal.

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><p>Neighbors from Hell<p>

It all started with college. Yeah college. Somewhere along the lines of growing up me and my twin brother got it into our heads that we should enroll and attempt to be serious with our lives.

Serious. Not.

Barely a week into our medical courses at the community college a half hour from our childhood home we dropped out.

So much for being adults and taking charge of our lives, but personally there was no way in hell a pair of grade-A slackers like ourselves were going to survive college. Me and Shiro would always be considered the idiot geniuses of middle school and highschool, both the type to easily understand the coursework but never able to get through the lesson without getting thrown out of the class for defying the person who taught it.

I personally can't remember how many times that's happened. And obviously college professers aren't as lax on that as highschool teachers are.

You live and learn I guess.

Anyway, you may be wondering where does that leave a pair of immature nineteen year olds with exceedingly high grades and test scores with a smear or two of unsavory behavior?

A minum wage job flipping burgers for a manager just as greasey and unpleasent as the radioactive crap we sell called 'food'.

Waste of potential? Yes.

Idiot mistake on our part? Mmm yep.

Complete waste of time? You bet your ass.

"Thank you for eating at McDonald's, please come again." I heard Shiro drawl in an overexagerated bored monotone from the register, if I were able to see past the grill I wouldn't be suprised to see a sneer on my twin brother's face.

"Oi, Shiro."

"Wha' the hell you want, Ichigo? Can't you see I'm _busy_?" He snarled back, leaning backwards to glare around the greasy bulk the grill created. Yup, thought so. Shiro's trademark sneer, plastered right there on his albino face. I nearly laughed at how ridiculous he looked with his stupid black visor with the hated golden arches emblazoned on its brim. The symbol of utter mass marketing corporation evil. All wrapped up in a cute little cardboard box and a cheep plastic toy.

Yeah, and even funnier, we work for the evil.

Nah, I wouldn't even call it that either. They own our asses. Proof? Those ugly little Ms stitched onto our clothes in gold thread. Corporate Nazis. I winced at the thought.

"Just 2 more hours 'til we're free as birds!" Shiro's sneer twisted at the thought. My twin's never been the one for standing in one place for more than a few seconds at a time, he's like a five year old on speed ninety percent of the time, always jumping off the walls and screaming profanities at whatever he can. Maybe our boss sensed that in him when he hired us and assigned Shiro in his own personal hell. Standing still and interacting civily with people. It killed him a little inside everytime he uttered a please and thank you whenever he dealed with a particularly nasty customer than his perfered offerance of _'then why don't you stick this shit where the sun don' shine! ?' _It wasn't unusual for him to spend more than 4 hours mindlessly slaughtering Infected on the 360 with dark mutters of "_Only three pickles and medium rare, my ass!"_

"Shut the fuck up, Ichigo. Go back to your greaseboy desk and have some decency ta tell me when we're actually _leaving_."

"_Decency?_ Wow, Shiro. I'll do my best to work on something you lack on this whole twin deal!"

"Shut the fuck up." He spat and turned back to the register._ McDonald's,_ the golden lettering on back his uniform polo read, _I'm loving it!_

_Yeah, whatever. _At the very least today was payday. Enough money the two of us had earned in this greasy rathole to purchase a modest apartment on the edge of town. I spent three hours six months ago explaining to Shiro, loud enough to be heard over his whines, that we needed to save up enough money to move out of the house and get our own place rather than purchase _Marvel vs Capcom _the day it came out.

Shiro obliged. Grudgingly. Our dad approved. Before running off howling that his ingrate little boys were growing up so fast.

Our family is strange in so many possible ways.

"Oi. Strawberry. Two Big Macs, two large fries. Whip 'em up, grillboy, we ain't got all day."

"Shut up, _Shiromu._"

Shiro cackled.

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><p><em>"Finnaallly! FREEDOM!" <em>Shiro shrieked throwing his visor into the air in celebration as we walked out into the parking lot. Well, I was normal enough to walk. Shiro did some kind of interpretive war dance all the way to the run down Honda Civic we both owned.

"Calm down, you'll be beating back the lunch rush again same time tommorow." I called back to him as I slung my apron over my shoulder.

"Shut up! Lemme savor this moment!" he yelled back to my from over his shoulder in mid-dance.

"Hurry up then, you spaz. You know how dad gets when we're just a minute late for dinner." I shook my head as he continued on his parking lot victory dance to unlock the car and get into to driver's seat. Shiro was too high on his personal victories over his cashier career to drive an inch in a straight line. I had to rev the tinny little engine up to get his attention.

He threw himself into the passanger's seat, hauling his dirt-smeared white Converse onto the dash, his arms behind his head and looking at complete peace with the world around him.

I raised a mock impressed eyebrow at him. "You happy?"

He sighed, grin threatening to crack his face in half, "Absolutely shitting rainbows. Turn on the radio, yeah?"

I laughed as I fingered at the dial on the beaten radio of the pre-owned sedan, "You got it."

_Let me tell you about a girl I know_

_had a drink about an hour ago._

_Sitting in a corner by herself , in a bar in downtown Hell._

"So. Do we have the money now?"

I glanced at him before returning my eyes to the road, "Just about."

_"You're shitting me? We have it?"_

I grinned stupidly at the disbelief in his voice, "Well I have been managing the money, haven't I?"

"Well, yeah..."

_And she said, "Wait a minute I have to think."_

_He said, "That's fine. May I please buy you a drink?"_

_One drink turned into 3 or 4 and they left and got into his car_

_and they drove away some place real faaarrr._

"... Dad's gonna go balistic when we tell him." Shiro noted offhandedly after a few moments.

I shuddered at the thought of our father bouncing off the walls when we worked up enough courage to tell him that after six months of fastfood labor we finally managed to earn and stash away enough cash to buy our own place. He'd be screaming it from the rooftops.

It was the most the both of us could do. When we told him that we dropped out, we both knew we'd severly dissapointed him. He didn't show it but deep down we both knew.

After a few weeks of late night scheming, inbetween Live campaigns of course, we both decided on the best course of action to prove our father how responsible and mature we were was to get jobs and earn enough to move out.

The next day we looked up jobs at McDonald's. I became Ichigo the frycook and Shiromu became the cashier.

And so began six months of greasy, fried torture.

One carride later and two hours later, father and clinic director Isshin Kurosaki was quote, 'bouncing off the walls', much to both mine and Shiro's chargrin.


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N I cannot believe I'm updating let alone continuing this. Oh, me and my strange ideas... Well anyhow I'm typing this whilst listening to a CD of the 2010 Warp Tour. Great background music. R&R, please! This chapter is just major character introductions. Oh yeah I forgot to add that this story's AU. Incase you didn't know._

_Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, Xbox LIVE, McDonald's or anything else that sounds like a familiar name in real life._

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><p>Neighbors from Hell<p>

"You sure 'bout this place?"

"Yeah, why?"

Shiro shrugged, lip curling back at the sight of our new home, " 'S too small."

I rolled my eyes at the comment; typical of my brother to underestimate the value of a dollar when it came to anything other than 360 games. A few weeks before we came to our goal I spent hours on my laptop keeping tabs on possible sites. What I finally found was perfect: two bedrooms, one bathroom, living room, and a fully furnished kitchen. All for about 150 a month.

For once things seemed to be looking up for us. As far as I was concerned.

"Look, we got our own place, we're quitting the joint in a few weeks from now, and the price on this place isn't too much to worry about once we get a better job, what are you complaining about, Shiro?"

Shiro glared at me through the corner of his eyes through his fringe of white hair, a tactic I was somewhat familiar with as his form of intimination. It worked... with anyone else but me. Sure, it's creepy looking eye to eye with a person with yellow eyes but hell, a sight in one person's view is very different from another's. In my eyes all Shiro succeded in was looking like was an extremely overgrown child pouting for no real reason.

I heaved out a frustrated sigh, "Shiro. What is it? Really?"

He uttered a quiet snarl.

"Well?"

He shoved his hands into his pockets, turning his glare to the sky. "Landlord's gonna be a bitch about sound control."

I nearly choked on a laugh, ignoring Shiro's returning glare on me.

"_Seriously, Ichigo! _What kind of 360 game is played at a _ten_! It's fucking stupid! Of all the places you pick, you pick the apartments owned by the biggest dick in the universe, Byakuya Kuchiki!"

"Stop- heheh - stop complaing, Shiro. You're lucky he let us rent."

"Yeah, whatever..._ bastard..._"

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><p><em>Two Days Later, Noon<em>

"Well...?"

"For a couple of dropouts? _Nice..._"

"Like 'ell. We ain't drop outs, Kaien. We jus' got sick of being there."

"_Of course. _Got sick of the _scholarly atmosphere _you mean."

"Shut th' fuck up."

"Black Ops, anyone?"

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><p><em>One hour Later<em>

_[tap tap tap]_

_[continuious rounds of gunfire, a grenade explosion]_

"_Sooo..._" the word's drawn out, more than likely the beginng of an accuasation than anything. And somewhat distracted. Kaien, for all the years I've known him, tends to be like that.

"Yes?" Really. What else can I say to that?

_[tap tap tap]_

_Awkward._

"Seriously. What the hell is it?"

"What are you and Shiro going to do?"

The kicker. I really should have seen this coming. Thank God Shiro had groused off in a fit of six-year-old rage muttering about getting a pizza, he'd have a really overzelous fit to anything like this. Especially a failure. I seem to be the only sane one between the two of us.

No, wait. _I am._

I play the field. I really don't want to get into this conversation, not right now at least.

I just don't want to think about it.

"About...?"

"You know what I'm talking about. Stop beating the bush."

_Fuck..._

_[tap tap tap]_

_[more gunfire (machine gun) the rounds are almost up, another explosion]_

"I really don't want to talk about that right now."

"You really need to think about-"

"Stop. Just stop, Kaien. Really. When we're ready we'll re-enroll. We just... don't have the... fuck, I don't know. We're not ready to be serious right now."

"Then when will you be? You two have the potential... you just..."

"Fuck around. I know." He didn't need to be the one to tell me that. We both knew.

_[the door swings open, the scent of triple meat pizza fills the apartment]_

_"OI! Get off your asses! Food!"_

_So greatful for that albino sometimes._

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><p><em>One Week Later<em>

_[laundry day]_

I fished the last of Shiro's socks ourt from underneath the ragged couch I purchased from the Goodwill about five days ago, upholstry a right mess from both former owners and the short amount of time that it'd been in our possesion: Shiro had spilled Coke on it within the first hour.

I tossed it over my shoulder and into the basket beside me all the while groping around under the furniture for anything I happened to miss.

Don't ask me how Shiro's stuff ended up stuffed in there. I really don't want to know.

Balancing one basket on top of the other, I set off towards the front door, blindly navigating down the stairs when something small and suprisingly solid ran into me.

Ran into me, I ran into it. Who knows?

"Ack! H-Hey!"

"Idiot! Watch where you're going!"

"Well, in case you didn't notice, _I couldn't._"

Female voice. And no doubt in hell annoyed. Above us, Shiro had poked his head out the window and was now cackling in unapologetic glee, that nosey ass brother of mine is probably attracted to the sound of chaos in motion.

"Wouldn't have been a bit more clever to take those down one at a time?"

"I'm saving time here."

"That's the stupidest excuse I've ever heard!"

Less than a minute and I'm beyond annoyed with whoever this chick thinks she is. I set the baskets down, free to give her a piece of my mind.

"Well listen here, I-"

_..._

_Why was I mad again?_

It takes me a minute or two to snap my mind back in place.

_Focus, damn you!_

Shiro starts cackling again at my sudden pause. He can see right through me at the most inconvienant moments. And thank God he's keeping his trap shut.

"_You were saying?" _She does this wierd flip of her hair- black, about shoulder length, a long strip of it falling between her amethist eyes_- wait, wait FOCUS!_

_"Umm_... sorry."

Shiro stops, mid cackle. It takes a lot for little brother to utter those two particular words. He starts up again, this time in low snickers.

_Shut up..._

"Good. It's nice to see that you have some sort of decency."

And snickers somehow find their way back to insane giggles. Someone kill me now and get this over with.

"Uh yeah... uh... I'll be going now..." I pick up the baskets and book it to the parking lot. My brother is dead when I get back, so dead.


End file.
